Being OCD About OCD Recovery
Towards the end of my recovery journey, I experienced something very unique: getting OCD compulsions about my own recovery process! Instead of getting compulsions related to the “usual” fears (such as washing my hands excessively due to fear of contamination, or negative intrusive thoughts about my family and loved ones), I observed that I was getting intrusive thoughts about my own recovery practice. I would have thoughts like: What if you’re not doing ERP or ACT correctly? What if everything you learned in ERP/ACT was a lie? What if everything that you’re doing to beat OCD is actually making it worse?
Basically, my OCD was attacking my recovery process in a last ditch effort to keep itself alive. The “old” fears and compulsions no longer held any control over me nor caused me any anxiety, so by attacking my recovery efforts, OCD was still trying to retain one last foothold in my mind.
The great news - if you’re experiencing this - is that typically this means you’re at the very last stage of recovery. When OCD has nothing else to attack you with, and can only resort to making you “doubt” that you’re doing ERP/ACT/recovery properly, that’s when you know you have this disorder on the ropes. The key action to do at this stage is to continue to practice mindfulness, acceptance, and all the skills you’ve learned through ERP/ACT, while ignoring the OCD voice in your head telling you to “stop with recovery” or that “you’re doing ERP/ACT incorrectly.” OCD is called the Doubting Disorder for a reason - it can and will make you doubt everything if you let it - including your own recovery process!
What I’ve learned through my years of dealing with OCD is that when the disorder is making you doubt, trust yourself. I don’t mean “close your eyes and say that you trust yourself,” because that’s just an unhelpful mantra. What I mean is demonstrate trust in yourself by acting in accordance to your values and living mindfully. OCD makes us doubt ourselves and makes us question our actions, thoughts, and motives; OCD thrives on restricting our quality of life by making us do unwanted compulsions and preventing us from enjoying the things we love. The best way to show that you trust yourself is therefore to live your life freely and without restrictions, by doing all the things which OCD says you can’t do. This is what I mean when I say “act in accordance to your values” - if you enjoy running, or being with friends/family, or cooking - DO THOSE THINGS! Even if (especially if) OCD is telling you that you can’t do them because of some irrational fear or worry. By living your life and doing the things you love, you demonstrate through your actions that you are not afraid of OCD and that you trust yourself completely. Trust is not a noun - trust is a verb, it is an action!
So my advice to anyone struggling with OCD, whether you are at the beginning of your recovery journey or at the end of it, is to trust yourself. Ignore the doubts in your mind that OCD will try to implant. Trust that practicing ERP and ACT will teach you the skills and knowledge you need to beat this disorder. Trust yourself by acting in accordance to your values and living your life mindfully in the present moment, regardless of whatever doubts/intrusive thoughts/fears OCD is trying to throw at you. Know that no matter what, OCD cannot prevent you from living the life you want to have - ultimately, you are always the one who chooses whether or not you will act in a manner aligned with your values, or act in a manner aligned with OCD (i.e. by performing compulsions).
And recognize that OCD will try any trick - and make you doubt anything - in order to trap you into performing more compulsions and keeping itself alive in your head. Don’t let it. When things get challenging and OCD is making you doubt even your recovery practice, ignore those nagging doubts and demonstrate trust in yourself by continuing to practice the skills taught through ERP and ACT: mindfulness, acceptance, and valued action. If you try to second-guess yourself or rationalize with OCD, then you’ve already fallen into its trap!
Eric